I want to move to Seattle.




Tyler comes to visit tomorrow,i'm nervous.

Time for my random ass update on here.

So lately, I have been talking to this guy Tyler,he is coming to visit me in a few days actually and I am pretty excited. He is the only one that can make me happy lately,but i'm scared. Having the constant feeling of not being good enough sucks,but we will see what happens.


Also, a lot of stuff went down with Mandy and Ugur and well,I almost lost ugur completly. I haven't been so hurt by a bestfriend in my life until the other night. I don't think he fully understands how much he means to me as a best friend at all. And the same goes with Gary. It's the worst feeling, feeling so far apart from them two. We will see what happens in the future.

But in other news, me and Mandy went on a little vacation to Jersey Shore and it was amazing,I love that place to much and neither of us wanted to leave at all. After this college semester,I am done with Baltimore. Like completly,there is hardly anything for me here and this place makes me want to die. I don't know what city I am going to end up in but I am sure as hell sure that I am getting out of here.

So much is about to change.

I am so lost.



I got to see my sister and her kids today,I missed them so much. I love being there. Today I forgot how much I can't stand my life for a good day. My niece and nephew make me so happy. When my sister has her third kid,she is due aug 10th, I am going there and staying for awhile.I really need it.

Excuse me sir,

You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died

I don't understand why people have to lie so much. No trust ever in ANYONE.

It has been awhile.

I don't even know what to say. I am most likely moving sometime soon, I am miserable in this house.This house is hell and I can't take it anymore. Even if I don't move,at least I will have Ugur's house to run away too,I am so glad I have him as a bestfriend.


Him,Mandy and Angela are all I have.






I have never felt so alone in this world than I have been lately. I have amazing three best friends,but even though I have them. I am more alone then ever. I am hitting rock bottom and I hate it. I am dying inside and I have no one that could bring me back up it seems.



Ugur told me last night, that he always thought that I was too good for my ex,he was my first love and my first everything. But has killed me on the inside. Ugur also said, I bet when he realizes what he has done and realizes that he lost the most amazing thing ever in his life,he is going to come back,even if it takes years and guess what,you are going to be long gone. And he is right.

I have lost so much these past couple months and I hate it.

Recents macros and stuff

I'm a mess and no one knows it.


Goodnight.

I have been really busy lately.
I am stressed out beyond belief.Right now,I am struggling so badly to get through my english class. I feel so stupid.
These last couple weeks of school have been horid and I feel like they will never end at all.
Last two weekends have been mostly spent with Mandy in Philly.


Tonight was okay,I passed my public speaking speech with a A,thank goodness.I needed that A.
and then it went downhill.I just saw pictures of my ex and his recent girlfriend.I don't know why it bothers me so much...I have been crying for the past hour. Why is it so hard to move on? I am stupid.


that's all,fuck my life.

I am sitting in class,figured I would update while the old fart is lecturing. Amazing past two days with Mandy.
Sunday got to Philly at like 1:30 am and walked around until 4:30ish,alllllllllover philadelphia too. So many drunk girls in the middle of the street,taxi drivers hitting on us,sketchy bums. We got home at like 7am and passed out on her bed,woke up at 11am and went to wal-mart and subway, went downtown,walked around Hampden for awhile,wishing we were rich. After that went to Towson mall and a few other places. I love the weather,90 and breezy,couldn't be better.
Got two new v-necks,tank top,shorts,dress,CARS FLIP FLOPS!!,two other pairs of flip flops,a scarf. All money i literally didn't have,I am negative 300 almost in my bank account. Once I get my taxes back finally this week,that will take care of my account. The start of summer is pretty amazing. I can't wait to have a job,living in the city with Mandy and having a break from classes. I start in about two weeks or so at the spca volunteering,evetually having a job there(fingers crossed).

Next weekend were either going to Ocean City for a day or Philly for the day.
Shane is saying he is moving away,I am going to lose someone that has gotten real close to me like a brother. Summer won't be the same, me ,Mandy and him had so many plans for the summer,now it's all going to change.
But alot of things are still bumming me out :(

Way too much has been going on lately.Last weekend,spent more then 20 hours in the car,going to maine and back,then going to ocean city.I have been hanging out with Mandy alot lately, I love her.

Only 4 weeks of college left,thank goodness. Maybe I can see ugur,gary,and angela more.I miss them.

I took that when passing through NYC Friday night .

I keep forgeting I have made this thing,haha. And I am bored at home,so I might as well update.
Well,Thursday night me and Shane left and drove to Stamford,CT to meet up with our friend Josh. We got there at like 2am on Friday,stayed at the Marriott hotel there for the night. We woke up pretty early and caught a train to NYC from CT. I have never been to New York,it's way too crazy for me...like too crazy haha. But I wanna go back when I actually have nothing to do,just to take my time and take the city in. My appointment with Brian Decker was at 3 so we got some amazing Thai food before in Brooklyn. Then I got my right ear finally reconstructed. Sutures suck! I cannot wait until this ear is fully healed and looks good again.
The worst part about this whole situation, is he won't admit to me or people that yes,he did make a mistake. It just bothers me how someone can be so cocky and act like they didn't do anything wrong when everyone knows they did. Oh well.
But later Friday, me,Shane and Josh came back to Baltimore..Josh got a room at the Marriot Waterfront Hotel in the Inner Harbor,FANCY AS SHIIIIIIIIT. hahaha.Shane was running around the hotel Saturday morning in a towel and flashing people in the condos out the window,I am suprised we didn't get kicked out. After that we went to Columbia mall and lake. Paco and Josh were yelling spanish shit out of the windows all night when we were driving through the city haha.
Sunday, me and Shane dropped Josh off at the train station and came back to my house for a easter cookout/dinner thingy with my family and Angela's family.
So all in all,the weekend was pretty fun.

Now I am not on spring break anymore and have classes :(
I have 4 papers to do at the same time,how stupid.And two speeches to do at the same time.

I proably won't update this shit for awhile again.Friday I have a tattoo appt with Jeff to do the buddha on my arm and after that going to NFG and SYG with people. And that night leaving for Maine with Shane for the weekend.

yepp.

This weekend was great. I hung out with Shane and Mandy all weekend for the most part. Saturday, we went to Dennys around 2pm...then went looking around for tattoo shops because we were bored and all wanted to get a little cupcake tattoo together hahaha. Mandy got hers on her ankle,shane got his on his forearm and I got mine on my hand. It was so random and funny.After that we went to whitemarsh,sat around there for awhile and then ended at some bonfire party, all it was, was stoner preppy kids...so funny. Sunday, just met up with Shane,Mandy,and Shrek... went to the park and McDonalds..that's about it. Shane spent the night and I just took him to work about two hours ago. This is way too early for me to be up but I cannot fall asleep. I am going to get Dale at 3 from work then getting Shane from work at 4:30,heading to Bethesda and getting shadding added to the gypsy on my arm and starting my neck peice. Should be interesting. Friday,NEW YORK. Stoked.

I still haven't worked on school work at all,I should get on that.

I don't know where to begin.

Well,next week April 9th,I am leaving at 8am to go to Stamford,CT for the weekend visiting Josh. While I am there,that Friday I will in NY all day. I am going to Brian Decker to get my right lobe reconstructed. Finally,it dissconnected from the part that didn't heal last night when I was doing my sea salt soak on my lobes. So now,I look like one of those idiot kids that ripped their ear.It's so annoying feeling my lobe just dangling there,hitting my neck and shit.So I am glad I am getting it fixed ASAP.

Other then that,life hasn't really got any better. I am so lonely,it sucks.I don't feel like I am good enough like always for anyone. But whatever,that's life. I rather be alone then get hurt like I have been.

College is gradually getting stressfull yet again and I don't take stress well at all. When I get back from break,on April 15th,I have another English paper due :( And the week after that I have to give my actuating speech. But along with that speech that I have to work on during break,I also have to research the speech after that,a stupid group speech with 4 other people from my class.Just kill me please.

I really don't know what to say,I just hope things start looking up for me.That would be nice.

I am running on one hour and ten minutes of sleep in the last two days. Me,my parents,Angela and Tim left here around 7:50am to go to Charlottesville,VA for my neices 4th birthday. I haven't laughed as much as I did today in awhile honestly,I wish my sister didn't live so far away sometimes.

I came home and showered,and here I am. I'll be asleep in less then a hour,I am like falling asleep on my keyboard right now.

I am still sad and hating life,it'll never change.

Went and saw Aliens VS monsters with Ugur,Gary and Amber this afternoon,it was good.

On the way home it happened again. I don't know how much I can take. Anthony said to me"I'm sorry. I really don't want to upset you,I just want you to know I still have love for you" And...this was while I was driving home...I had to pull over because I was crying so much. I actually had to pull over twice on the ride home..My head is so fucked up. I just feel like puking,it makes me sick.
I can't count how many times I just wanted to drive into the median on the high way tonight.


And at 7:30 AM I have to go to VA for my neices b-day party? I don't know how much longer I can fake a smile.

Things aren't working out at all. I got my ears scappled on Friday and they were okay for about two days. The all the sudden my right lobe started bruising really badly. And I think part of my lobe won't heal,if it doesn't heal then once the rest of that ear heals,I will have to get that part cut out and get them sown back together. If that happens,my ear will take up to 6 months before I can wear plugs again. That has been really bumming me out because I have put so much work into my ears and now this happens. I was at 2 3/4 and bam, this bullshit.My dad finally saw my ears and told me last night,"If I knew my daughter would be doing this to herself,I wouldn't of wanted one"
Everything bad is happening at once.
I have been nothing but down lately. I wish Anthony would stop messing with my head. He tells me that he thinks about me all the time,when he has a GIRLFRIEND and that we want's to talk to me about stuff and all the sudden cuts me off and changes his mind. I still love him which hurts the most. I am so lost and confused and I wish he saw that. He doesn't know how fucked up my head is because of all this shit and I just wish it could all go away. He was all I had for a awhile and it's all my fault I feel that I don't have him in my life.This whole Anthony thing has just shot my self confidence. I am startting to give up on myself ,I hate the way I look. I just want to be okay with myself.That's all I ask for.
And I wish that I lived closer to Ugur and Gary.
I want to just dissapear,from everyone and everything. I am slowly giving up on school,I don't think college is for me.I am stupid.